Crying

I received an email from one of my sisters a few weeks ago and once again I found myself crying as I read it. It made me think about the act of crying.

As we were growing up, we were taught not to cry. When we were punished as small children - a spanking - we were told by my father, almost immediately, to "dry it up." We were never allowed to show the physical pain that we were suffering.

As we grew, we were continually shown (and told) that crying was a sign of weakness. That began to teach us not to show our emotional pain either. I think that this may have been because my father always wanted boys and got girls instead. He treated us like boys until we were teenagers, when we actually began to look like women, and he believes that boys don't cry. I believe that as a child he was not allowed to cry so he did not let us do it either. I am also beginning to think that it made him "feel" and he does not know how to do that.

As I have aged and am learning about myself, which is still a work in progress, I have often wondered about crying. I do it in secret so that no one will know that I am sad or hurting. Why should I have to do that? Why should it feel shameful to cry? Isn't crying just a way of showing emotion and that should be a good thing. Feelings should be shared whether they are happy or not so happy. Holding them in only causes us to suffer more in the long run.

We hold babies when they cry and try to comfort them. Shouldn't we do that to the adults that we know?

I cry sometimes at a happy ending in a movie. I cry at weddings. I cried as I watched my granddaughter being born. I cry when I receive heartfelt gifts. I cry when I chop onions. Why is that type of crying allowed, but not when we are hurting?

It is a long road to travel by yourself when the people around you do not really know what you are feeling. You hold back because you think that they do not want to know. Is it really okay to cry around them? How does it make them feel? Should you care if they do not know how to deal with it or should you cry anyway because it makes you feel better?

Time

Both of my sisters have made me cry again today.

I read my younger sister's blog about her pain and my youngest sister's response to her. They both spoke to my heart.

I believe that in the past, hitting middle age was considered to be a bad thing. I have now hit that wonderful mile marker and so have they. I don't believe that it is a bad thing at all. We have all begun to not be afraid of our feelings anymore. That has to be a good thing.

T talked about "stuffing" her feelings. We have done that for years. We are finally beginning to "unstuff" them and discuss them openly. It is a hard, but absolutely necessary for our mental health. K's comment to her was so touching and so honest. She talked about "fighting for life." We actually are and it has taken us this long to be able to fight for ourselves.

Many things are responsible for this change in us. Reaching middle age is one of them. It has taken time to be able to figure what we feel and why. It has taken time for us to get over being told to just suck it up and go on. It has taken time for us to be able to accept that we are loved and deserve that love. It has taken time to know that we actually love each other. Time has finally been our friend.

This reminds me of the song, "Time in a Bottle" by Jim Croce. He talks about if he could save time in a bottle and what he would do with it. I think that we should not try to save time, but learn how to savor every moment that we have with the ones that we love and before time passes us by, make sure that they know that we do love them.

2008 in Reflection

I looked on dictionary.com and found this. I think that (b) describes the definition that I was looking for. I am not sure about the judging rationally part, but the rest seems okay.

Reflection 1. The act of reflecting, or turning or sending back, or the state of being reflected. Specifically: (a) The return of rays, beams, sound, or the like, from a surface. See Angle of reflection, below. The eye sees not itself, But by reflection, by some other things. --Shak. (b) The reverting of the mind to that which has already occupied it; continued consideration; meditation; contemplation; hence, also, that operation or power of the mind by which it is conscious of its own acts or states; the capacity for judging rationally, especially in view of a moral rule or standard.

I think that I had an unbelievably good year.

Many people might not agree with me considering that I found out that I had breast cancer and that I had a double mastectomy and two additional surgeries as well. It has been a year of recovering.

Finding out that I had cancer has given me the blessing of finding how close that my sisters and I are and discovering who my true friends are. I could wish that I never had cancer, but I am just grateful that I found out early enough to do something about it.

My 50th birthday was this year. It was exactly six days after my mastectomy surgery. That was the day that I got the news that they got it all. I had my drain tubes removed and the nurse told me that she had never seen a better pathology report. She made me so happy with that news that I could have cried. I know we all wish for monetary gifts, but believe me when I say that this was the best gift ever and one that I will never forget.

Because of all of the "bad" stuff that I had to deal with, I got to spend a lot more time with my granddaughter Lyza. She was the sunshine that I needed on gloomy days. She is always so happy and she just exuberates joy. I have spent many hours watching her and laughing. She is bubbly and busy all the time and does not give you time to think about what may be sad in your life. I think that we tend to forget the small pleasures in life, but we should take the time to realize that they are what keeps us going sometimes.

I am now working on my new outlook for life. It is a work in progress and I am sure it always will be. So many things changed for me on a daily basis this year that I am trying to take one day at a time. Sometimes I think that we plan our lives away. I know that some matters require it, but other things we should just let happen and enjoy them. I am trying to not over think everything and that is very difficult because I am, by nature, a planner. I also need to work more on showing the people that I love how I feel about them and that is a difficult task for me.

Many good and joyous things also happened this year.

I was given the opportunity to turn 50. My husband and I celebrated 22 years of marriage. I got to spend time with my family. My nephew got married. I became a great aunt. Lyza had her first birthday. My great nephew had surgery that went very well. I have enjoyed a year off from working which reduced my stress levels. My husband got to come home from Germany to help me with my recovery. I found out just how much I am loved.

I need to say thank you to my sisters for giving me the love, strength and courage to fight my battles this year. I don't think they can ever understand how much they helped pull me through my difficulties this year. I want them to know that they made me feel worthy of love and I want them to feel the same. They are just as worthy of the same love that they were so willing to give me and I hope that I can show them the same and that they will accept it. I love them both very much.

I am looking forward to what 2009 will bring to me and my family.